Can you see me? Then help me, please
by KayKay.111
Summary: Matthew has been acting strange, and his siblings don't see anything. Will someone be able to help him?/Self-harm, Eating disorders, depression, etc. Can't handle, don't read
1. April, 24, 2013

So...This a really angsty story. Is about depression, Ed's(eating disorders), Self-harm and death of a character. If you can't handle this, don't read, and If you need help send a message.

* * *

H-hello there.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

A story of a useless... fat... and depressed Canadian boy...

My story...

My name is Matthew Williams and I am 14 years old.

I have two- I mean...three siblings. Alfred, Amelia, and..M-Madeline, I can't even say her name without crying...She died a few months ago...I wonder...Why? Why Maddie? She was so perfect...It should have been me, not her...

I hate my life, b-but I know it is selfish...

I don't deserve to live, It should have been me. I don't have anything to fight for...Nobody cares about me, Maddie was my only friend, my only real friend.

Friends...Why do we need them? Maybe for have fun...for have someone to protect us...But, what happen is your "friend" is awful with you? I don't know...

But I meet someone who is really nice with me...But I am afraid that he leave too...I'm really scared...Because of that and because I might have the same thing that Maddie had...Ah, I really miss her. Maybe death is the best option...

I know a need help, but I don't want to bother...And, who would listen to me?

I-I'm so selfish right now...

I am starting getting hungry...that's bad.

In the past I use to eat like 3 pancakes with maple. How disgusting!

I eat a lot less than before, If I dare to eat more I will throw up. I hate my body... Amelia is soooo skinny, I want to be like her. Or maybe like Alfred, he is so strong...

They are very popular at school. Alfred has Arthur, And Amelia has Sakura...

I'm in love too, but he only see me as a friend, he likes another guy(I don't know who). At least he notices me...That's better than nothing, right? The people usually don't notice me...I don't blame them...I'm just a waste of time.

Oh...I just remember when I used to go out with my family or friends and eat pizza, ice cream and that stuff...Gross.

I can´t even think about pizza, so much calories...or a hamburger, my brother loves them. I hate them. I don't get it! How can he eat them?! They are so gross!

The last time I eat something like that was a long time ago, that make me somehow happy...

I need someone right now, I don't care who...I need someone...

The blade is close to my skin, I can almost feel it...But, I don't really want to, and also I do want to...I don't know what to do...

I just heard my brother calling me, I suppose I can't do it today...

So...I will write tomorrow, b-bye...


	2. April, 31, 2013

H-hi, again.

Now I will talk about my "cutting" and that stuff...Because you won't tell to anyone. Right, My Dear Diary?

The first time I cut I was... 11 years old. It was with a pair of scissors, I was so stressed because of the school, my family, my friends...They always needed me, I also have my troubles, but I didn't want to bother... anyway, my troubles were stupid: my low self-esteem was worrying me, in the school they were saying that I was fat and ugly...Even when a few of the kids said they were joking, it hurt so bad... I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed someone, but they were worse than me and...and I...I just took the scissors to my wrist, and started to cut the skin. It was so...relaxing, so perfect. The blood was just beautiful at the sight. In the end I got 11 new cuts in my left arm. It was really easy to hide, thought. Why did I cut myself? That's a really good question, because I don't know. What I was thinking? Now, the same that I'm thinking now...

M-my family ignored me (Even Alfred, and sometimes Maddie, but it wasn't her fault, she has other things to deal with). My friends didn't hear me, Lovino just want me to help him with his troubles, And little Feliciano...he is really innocent, I can't talk with him about my thoughts...I don't want to worry him.

And after that I start to cut almost daily, now I try to no cut myself...but it's hard, really hard.

At school I am always faking a smile, and hugging my little teddy bear that I named Kumakichi, or it was Kumarijo? I don't rememeber...Oh well. Yes I know that is really childish to have one, but I like it and nobody ever notices me, so...

Like I w-was saying, my "happiness" is fake, I don't know how to be happy...I can't. W-well... that was before...Now I am less...sad?

R-remember the "nice person" I said before? His name is...G-gilbert. I meet him in the web, and yes, I trust him. I'm in love with him...But I will never say something. NEVER. He will leave me If I do! But, The few moments I talk to him, I'm happy...And also-M-maple! M-my brother came way too early!

I have to go, I will write again soon, I-I promise! Bye!


	3. May, 20, 2013

I'm here...

Lovino is mad at me because he saw my arm...

In the middle of the class he start to yell at me. At least the teacher wasn't there... And the people didn't hear us, they don't care, so...

Then, he tell Feliciano, making him cry. It was too much for me so I go home saying that I felt sick, well, it was true...

My brother is downstairs, really worried about me, but I say to him that I was gonna be okay.

I will never be okay.

I feel really bad and guilty...

I'm afraid to talk to Gilbert, I don't want to worry him, but I really need someone...

Maybe I deserve it, I deserve all this pain...But why? I don't know...I don't get it...

Sigh. Tomorrow I'll have to use long sleeves...again...

I'm crying here, in my room...Alone...I'm always alone, no one notices me. No one can see me.

I'm so useless...Everybody should hate me. Well, Lovino does. He even said that he doesn't care anymore, he is tired of me and my stupid depression. He said that I could kill myself and he wouldn't care. Maybe I will do it... Is so easy. There is a forest near my house, I can go there with my knife and just do it.

Nobody would even care. Not even Alfred, Amelia or Gilbert...

Gilbert...I should talk to him but I can't...I just can't...

I know I need help but...I can't ask for help...

...

...

...

...

I won't do it. Not today, at least. I can't get my family in trouble... And maybe I can't get better.

Amelia is calling me for dinner...So I have to go. This won't be the last time I write.

Goodbye, Dear Diary

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Sorry for the too short chapter, I'm not really inspired at the moment...


	4. May, 27, 2013

I want to sleep for a really long time...

Feliciano wants me to apologise to Lovino, but, Why should I? Lovino is the one that is wrong. He should apologise to me.

I know that this is hurting Feliciano but...I'm tired of Lovino being a jerk with me. And Feliciano isn't helping. The only one I have now is Gilbert. I can trust him. I love him, and I know he won't hurt like Lovino.

I have changed a lot, actually. But nobody seems to notice it. I'm not as quiet as I used to be...

I don't know why. But my family is like...mad at me...Why? I don't get it...

Last week I learned to cover my scars with make up. It's really useful. I hate the scars. And I hate my body, at least I'm not as fat as before...I have lose some pounds, that makes me somewhat happy...

At school, nobody can see how screwed up I am. They don't know anything...As I already said. The only one who I can trust is Gilbert.

The other day I have a dream where he said he loved me. But that will never happen.

In a few months it'll be my birthday. Maybe Lovino will apologise before that day? I would like that. It would be a nice gift.

I suppose this is enough for today...

Goodbye.


	5. June, 27, 2013

Today it was awful.

A few days before my birthday...At least Lovino apologised...I forgave him. But I won't forget. Never.

At school, people insulted me. I try to ignore it but then someone pushed me to the ground. Now I have a few bruises...And, surprise! New, fresh and wonderful cuts. I think I'm going crazy. Not that I care.

But, I'm disappointed of myself.

I said to Lovino, Feliciano and Gilbert that I wouldn't do it. _But it is so hard._ When the blade cut my skin it feels good. Yes, it hurts but..I don't know how to say it. I just can't stop, and I was doing so good before...2 months clean.

_I hate this_

**_I hate myself._**

And I don't know what I'm going to do this Tuesday. It's my birthday but Gilbert will stay at my home...That makes me kinda nervous...

I am going out with Lovino, Feli and Gil...

I'll just cover my cuts with some make up. And use long sleeves.

Let's talk about something that makes me kinda happy. I will see Gilbert! We have only met three times...The first it was really embarrassing.

I asked him ''Are you Gilbert?' And...God, it was stupid. And every time we met, my legs were shaking...He is so...handsome.

Um...I'm hungry..ugh...

Anyway, I think I've told everything that has been happening these days...So, Bye.

PS:I've to hide you better, Amelia almost read you!


End file.
